Nothing says I'm important like mutilated jasmine.

I'm off to Karachi so there will be a run on demand for jasmine flowers. God knows how many will die in order to be strewn in my path when I arrive. You'd better buy some jasmine quick before their prices rise on the international market. Just an insider tip.

Well Done Gran.

Last weekend we had a fundraiser that also doubled as a night of appreciation for the founder of the charity organisation responsible for it. She's run it for almost 40 years and it was about time she got some thanks. The founder is a family friend who is like my grandmother really, so I got to do a little speech in her honour. It was a promotion from my usual chair stacking, banner sticking and general errand running. I wanted the audience to properly "get her" so I put a bit of effort into it. The reaction was interesting, I was surprised by the bits the audience were keen on and the bits that seemed to pass them by. And I also realised eye contact seems a bit scary for many in the audience, especially for the "youngsters" as they are called, so I ensured it was always fleeting.

My gran was funny as usual. Some of the women who run the organisation are actually a hinderance and cause her some grief. One of them loves doing speeches and thrusting herself forward whilst actually doing very little if any real work. Her speeches are about admin really but go on far too long and can be patronising. Anyway I enjoyed watching my gran taking out her hearing aid for the duration of that lady's chat on the mic. She did it so she wouldn't fume and get stressed- it was a sensible precaution but it made me chuckle. She wasn't having her night spoilt.

Ramadan Scandal

Major scandal: I've spilt printer ink on my carpet and now need to buy nail varnish remover to try and get rid of the stains. In my frustration at the ink-spillage, there was nothing to do but happy-slap a burka woman during Ramadan. In the ensuing melee I found that she had pancakes in the lining of her religious dress. It soon became clear to me that this sister was snacking during the fast. What was worse was that she had secured the pancakes to her burka using the syrupy topping. Urghh! It was a mess. That's not all: each pancake had a list of top-ten admonishments to give passers-by who look unclean. Yeah I know, I thought they could do that stuff off the top of their heads too. But no, it seems they use flour and egg mix based prompts.It was an unholy mess of sinnilisciousness. And ink annoyance.

By the way happy slapping is not a scandal, it is a natural reaction to the situation I found myself in. Please don't mention my pettiness, give me Argos vouchers instead.