A Little About Distressed Sons of Immigrants Welfare
Everywhere we see men in our communities walking purposefully. Look closely though, and ask yourself are
they in the grip of (STD) or Struggling Through to Death? Many of you will have known it as Living
Someone Else’s life (LSEL) until the Institute for the Prevention of Unwieldy
Acronyms and General Meddling (IPUAGM) intervened. The ill-tempered meeting in 2003 known as
the Great Flounce led to the change.
We in Distressed Sons of Immigrants Welfare run shelters so
those with STD are given time and space to recover until they are ready to be
released back into society.
How You Can Help
Just £5 pounds a month means we can provide non-designer
clothes for men with the condition and treatment from our trained nurses who
can administer optimally-timed slaps.
This is the centrepiece in our unique Snap Out Of It system of therapy;
it has proved to be highly popular, most notably amongst our team of dedicated
nurses.
However, it’s not just money we need, we also need your
help. In these financially straitened
times we are in danger of an STD epidemic and we need you to identify sufferers
so we can do our job of eliminating this scourge from our world. What they have in common is they carry in
their unconscious very rigid notions of what they should be. Here are some of the signs:
- STD stoop, young to middle-aged men who have a slight stoop
- Over-use of the word “professional” or its variants when not really appropriate
- Seem easily bemused by conversations that veer into flights of fancy
- Are often doctors, human rights lawyers or those working in charities/caring professions who are quick to anger.
- View their lifestyle through the prism of consumption
- Only know others like them and use financial/occupational status as a guide
- Often make attempts to find themselves through abuse of travel/religion
- Claim worst moment in life is a poor investment but are still living comfortably
- Very, very busy.
- Oddly well-groomed at a BBQ but not homosexual
- Horror at prospect of partner earning more than them
- Extremely jealously guarded and delicate sense of dignity
- Those striding briskly towards their destination in the rush hour throng of commuters but who are in fact unemployed. (May be too late)
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“I placed too much importance
on a big chair before I was helped."
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“I used to keep wanting to
just go home. It got so bad I needed a
badge to remember who I was.“
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What We Do
Once we are in contact with these unfortunate men, thanks to
your help, we look after them in our shelter by leaving them alone to have a
think about what they have done. It
also gives them time to explore who they really are, however travel or
gratuitous hairstyle changes are strictly forbidden. The process must be taken seriously. We give them skills through seminars and
role-play so they to be able to discern and resist when they being put into a
straitjacket of expectations by themselves and others. They are put in an actual straitjacket during
this phase of their rehabilitation to awaken any potential for irony that lies
dormant within them- a key sign of progress.
Each month your adopted distressed man will write to you- you’ll see
just how your support is providing the invaluable help he deserves.
In the next phase, our partnership with a volunteering
scheme will enable our STD sufferers get into contact with the most [1]crotchety
elderly males in need of support- many of whom themselves have struggled with
STD all their lives. Their duties will
include providing a listening ear, running errands and if necessary some cleaning
up afterwards. Once they know who the
fuck they are and who they are liable to turn into it’s just a matter of time before
they can see the world beyond their tiny little bubble. Experience shows 95% of those we look after
go on to have the courage and imagination to tell expectation to back off. This means provided they stay away from
Sunday lifestyle supplements and celebrity puff pieces, they are ready to be
released back into society. Rest
assured, the strait jacket will only taken off once they get the bloody joke
and start laughing hysterically.
Pledge your Support
Name:
Address:
Email:
I/We would like to support to Distressed Sons of Immigrants
Welfare every month for this amount:
