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A Little About Distressed Sons of Immigrants Welfare

Everywhere we see men in our communities walking purposefully.  Look closely though, and ask yourself are they in the grip of (STD) or Struggling Through to Death?  Many of you will have known it as Living Someone Else’s life (LSEL) until the Institute for the Prevention of Unwieldy Acronyms and General Meddling (IPUAGM) intervened.   The ill-tempered meeting in 2003 known as the Great Flounce led to the change.

We in Distressed Sons of Immigrants Welfare run shelters so those with STD are given time and space to recover until they are ready to be released back into society.

How You Can Help

Just £5 pounds a month means we can provide non-designer clothes for men with the condition and treatment from our trained nurses who can administer optimally-timed slaps.  This is the centrepiece in our unique Snap Out Of It system of therapy; it has proved to be highly popular, most notably amongst our team of dedicated nurses.

However, it’s not just money we need, we also need your help.  In these financially straitened times we are in danger of an STD epidemic and we need you to identify sufferers so we can do our job of eliminating this scourge from our world.  What they have in common is they carry in their unconscious very rigid notions of what they should be.  Here are some of the signs:    

• STD stoop, young to middle-aged men who have a slight stoop  
• Over-use of the word “professional” or its variants when not really appropriate
• Seem easily bemused by conversations that veer into flights of fancy
• Are often doctors, human rights lawyers or those working in charities/caring professions who are quick to anger.
• View their lifestyle through the prism of consumption
• Only know others like them and use financial/occupational status as a guide
• Often make attempts to find themselves through abuse of travel/religion
• Claim worst moment in life is a poor investment but are still living comfortably
• Very, very busy.
•  Oddly well-groomed at a BBQ but not homosexual
• Horror at prospect of partner earning more than them
• Extremely jealously guarded and delicate sense of dignity
• Those striding briskly towards their destination in the rush hour throng of commuters but who are in fact unemployed. (May be too late)

“I placed too much importance on a big chair before I was helped."

“I used to keep wanting to just go home.  It got so bad I needed a badge to remember who I was.“

What We Do

Once we are in contact with these unfortunate men, thanks to your help, we look after them in our shelter by leaving them alone to have a think about what they have done.   It also gives them time to explore who they really are, however travel or gratuitous hairstyle changes are strictly forbidden.  The process must be taken seriously.  We give them skills through seminars and role-play so they to be able to discern and resist when they being put into a straitjacket of expectations by themselves and others.  They are put in an actual straitjacket during this phase of their rehabilitation to awaken any potential for irony that lies dormant within them- a key sign of progress.  Each month your adopted distressed man will write to you- you’ll see just how your support is providing the invaluable help he deserves.

In the next phase, our partnership with a volunteering scheme will enable our STD sufferers get into contact with the most [1]crotchety elderly males in need of support- many of whom themselves have struggled with STD all their lives.  Their duties will include providing a listening ear, running errands and if necessary some cleaning up afterwards.  Once they know who the fuck they are and who they are liable to turn into it’s just a matter of time before they can see the world beyond their tiny little bubble.   Experience shows 95% of those we look after go on to have the courage and imagination to tell expectation to back off.  This means provided they stay away from Sunday lifestyle supplements and celebrity puff pieces, they are ready to be released back into society.  Rest assured, the strait jacket will only taken off once they get the bloody joke and start laughing hysterically.

Pledge your Support

Name:

Address:

Email:

I/We would like to support to Distressed Sons of Immigrants Welfare every month for this amount:

£5£10£15£20£25

[1] Often highly right-wing, security is provided.